Sep
12
Over the weekend I was asked to describe some of the good things in my life at the moment. I was completely floored by this question. I even misheard it and thought I was asked what were the bad things in my life. I sat there dumbfounded by this one little question. A simple question yet a question that was so completely hard for me to comprehend.
What are the good things in my life currently?
It is a great question for a person that is so used to seeing the negative in all things and everybody. While my brain ticked away searching for an answer and the question was re-asked of me ensuring that I could not possibly have misheard it, try as I might I could not come up with one single positive point. That startles me! How can I not think of one good thing in my life? Now when I think about it I can name all the token things such as friends, family, health. However, I think there is something indicative of my person hood that I am so hung up on the bad.
My response at the time was something along the lines of “Dunno”. It then progressed to “But… I have been going through this… <insert unhappy goings on here>”. See, I’m so quick to just roll over and let the dark thoughts take hold. I think that says a lot about me as a person and my way of thinking. I am not proud of it, not at all. I am startled by it and disappointed in myself.
Things have been hard for me lately. I have many hang-ups. In the last few months I’ve been tested but I’ve come through okay. I think if anything I should have said something along these lines. I didn’t break down completely. The old me probably would have. So, you know what? This is what’s good in my life. I have learnt I can be strong and that I deserve way more than I think I do. The world won’t end if things in my life don’t work out to plan and if I need to move on I will be able.
Aug
05
Wish I could bring her back for him. Even just the once! That would be a superpower that I would want.
I would reunite loved ones and allow them one last embrace, a kiss and a whispered word of love.
Aug
05
“For Glynis to get from deciding to the doing was like leaping the stumps of a washed out bridge. To put it another way, she had the engine, but a faulty ignition switch. Glynis could decide to do something and then nothing would happen. It was an interior thing, a design flaw, and probably not one she could fix.”
- Lionel Shriver, “So Much for That”.
This passage is taken from a novel I am reading at the moment, “So Much for That”. The author wrote a book I found quite interesting named “We Need to Talk About Kevin”, thus I was drawn to this new story. I highly recommend “We Need to Talk About Kevin” as reading material. I love the way it examines the relationship between mother and son and the depths with which the narrator struggles with her inherent dislike for him in a world where unconditional love between a mother and child is expected.
I just found out that this novel has been made into a film produced and staring Tilda Swinton (A really awesome red head!) who I think is an exceptional actress so I am excited to see it!
I am not sure how I will like this current novel but I will keep you posted! The particular passage above was one that just stood out on the page. I feel this articulates greatly my own personal lethargy. Big ideas but no motor to power them.
I am quite drowsy as I write this post. Please excuse any flaws.
Aug
05
In order to counteract the negative direction my blog has taken of late I have decided to post at least one beautiful thing each week whether it be a picture, or quote or a piece of writing by some person of talent. I think this is a good way to help improve my mindset and make me examine the brighter things life has to offer.
In honour, I will post this line from Tamerlane (Part II) by Edgar Allan Poe:
“Scorching my seared heart with a pain, not hell shall make me fear again.”
I find it beautiful and meaningful. Obviously, not entirely positive but not negative so that’s a start.
Jul
28
I have this stupid compulsion to unburden myself via the Internet all the time. I don’t think it is very healthy. Then again maybe it is. It makes me feel better, that I know.
I should probably say this shit to people face to face. Then again at least I have a vehicle for my thoughts other than my own head.
Is it a good thing to write vague emotionally charged posts aimed at unnamed people online or is a direct approach infinitely better?
Jul
26
I’m just so angry and I’m burying it. Sometimes it creeps up on me and I want to scream and be melodramatic. Put me face to face with the source(s) of my anger and I probably would. I can make a scene if necessary. I can be that girl. Trust me I have. Bertha in the attic, that’s me.
I want those clones to disappear from my world. To be forgotten and done with like a bad dream. Everyday that passes I wait and hope for it to happen. And I hope for none in their place.
Sadly, this is not how the story was supposed to go. Does it ever go the way it should? Always plan for the best, expect the worst. Keep your expectations low and you won’t be disappointed that I know.
Jul
22
Love Anne Taintor.
I love Anne Taintor’s stuff. The old fashioned pictures with the totally inappropriate captions which, completely hold true. I just adore them!
I understand completely (however sad that may be), the image of the good woman, trying to be well-presented and behaved but having those conflicting cheeky thoughts just under the surface.
Jul
22
This post is dedicated to those who seek to ruin the happiness of others for their own gain.
You can try as you might to hide your true intentions in a mist of benevolence but your desperation is so transparent that only an idiot could not see through it.
Friendship is friendship but you blur the lines in your mind so as to create the illusion of there being something more. You use words that should not be said. You share thoughts that you should keep to yourself and most of all you are completely opportunistic.
If somebody offers you their trust don’t betray it for a brief warm and fuzzy that cannot be sustained. Hold your head up high and accept the limitations of your place.
Jul
18
I am trying to piece together my sense of self worth and focus on the future rather than the past.
I dwell though… and dwell and dwell some more. If there were a competition for dwelling I’d win. Even this writing is an example of me dwelling. See, can’t stop.
The CliffsNotes of my dwelling is that love is stronger than sense. Consequently, love remains at war with sense. Things aren’t pretty. There are casualties like trust and confidence. Can they be rebuilt, maybe? However, things can’t ever be the same. There will always be that creeping feeling that betrayal is just around the corner.
Subsisting on fear of betrayal is like sucking down water instead of air. It is going to ruin you eventually, it will choke you, leave you struggling to live, whether the betrayal is realised or not.
Jul
13
I need a weekend away. I’d like to escape from the everyday reality of my existence. The pressure, the stress and the heartache.
I’d like to go somewhere cosy and warm, somewhere with a fireplace and hot chocolate. A place where the stores all sell trinkets and home made jams. And the streets are not busy, they are open and inviting.
I need a good surprise, no more bad ones. No more sadness, only smiles.
