If I don’t deserve this what do I deserve? If this is what I have then this is what I deserve.
Self-worth is bottoming.
I have no control over my happiness.
Thinking of alternatives.
geekynat.com
Just another loser with an opinion
Then, now, always
I have an obsession. It isn’t healthy but are they ever? I don’t know how to free myself from it.
When I am home by myself it is worse. I just go over and over it and there isn’t anything to distract me.
Sometimes, I think I’ve missed something. A way in, some piece of information to make me see clearly. The fact is that the truth rarely presents itself, you have to dig for it and you might not like what you find.
Knowledge isn’t free, there is a cost. Am I ready for that cost? No, most certainly not. Will that stop me digging? No and that’s because I have somebody to look after and that somebody is me.
Tags: self preservation, truth
Tree tops
Will I move into my treehouse mansion one day? Yes, yes I will!
I had a tree house as a child it was great. Great, until it slowly but surely rotted with age and weatherment (New word = win!). Many hours were spent in that tree. My own little piece of solitude.
This person is living the dream.
The lady is a tramp
I have a desire to be waif thin. The result of one too many women’s magazines? Possibly.
I see this as impossible to attain in regards to my body shape and genetics (even when I was young and thin I was always more athletic looking than tiny) but completely desirable.
Suggestions of ways to achieve this are welcomed. Maybe I need to be more aggressive with my workouts and eat less. Maybe I just need to imagine away my child baring hips and pray to the goddess of waify, willowy goodness.
I feel so fragile, maybe I just need the body to match.
Tags: body image, diet, exercise
Not that girl
How do you open up a dialogue with someone when the subject is so touchy? I have tried consistently and failed. Probably, because the subject matter is sensitive and I am close to it.
I’ve been trying and trying. I have all these things I need to say but I don’t want to argue. I just want to sit down and have an open honest discourse. I want to feel comfortable enough to say my piece without repercussions. I guess nothing in life is without them!
I don’t want to face a wall of anger or resentment. I just want to present my feelings and be done with it. Too many emotions, just ruin everything. I don’t want to ruin everything. I just want to be honest.
But I never forget
The reason you haven’t felt it is because it doesn’t exist. What you call love was invented by guys like me, to sell nylons. You’re born alone and you die alone and this world just drops a bunch of rules on top of you to make you forget those facts. But I never forget. I’m living like there’s no tomorrow, because there isn’t one.
- Don Draper
This quote from Mad Men speaks the truth. Sad but true.
Some things you hear only once but they make complete and utter sense.
Everything will be all right
I just want someone to take me in their arms and say those words to me. Even better would be if they could just get me to believe them.
That’s all I have ever wanted. Every time something feels wrong or bad and I just want to hide and make the miserableness go away I wish for these words.
Still, I am rarely reassured that “Everything will be all right”.
Happiness suspended
I always thought I’d be able fill my journal and later this blog with the trials and tribulations of planning a wedding. I was hoping to have happy anecdotes to share with my children someday if they dared to show an interest. Funny how things work out. Instead it is just me, wondering aloud if it will ever happen. Embarrassing myself by exposing my fears and the truth of my existence to an audience made up of well, who knows who. I fail at embracing future happiness.
Woe is me
I’ve spent so much of my life trying to figure out why things are the way they are and why people do the things they do. Now I’m leaning towards the school of thought whereby one just accepts that things are what they are.
I don’t wish to desert my desire to see change happen nor do I believe that change is impossible. It’s just that I can’t be fucked wasting my energy wishing and hoping on the “great” institutions of the world to do the right thing, and for people as a collective group to care.
Yes, I’ve become more jaded than ever. I was strangely more optimistic in the past. Things were opened up for me but not in the way I hoped. Hope has been torn from my being and stomped on. Stomped, pissed and spat on, then set on fire. Set on fire and then filmed by some idiot who puts it on youtube and makes a meme from it. Bad isn’t it?
