Sep
19
If you live long enough the vast majority of those you love will die. It is the inevitable result of mortality. Therefore, I propose Tennyson’s age old question (again!) “Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?” I believe if you have never loved romantically or otherwise you will have missed out one of the most important facets of being human. However, you have also dodged one of the most emotionally (and sometimes physically) painful experiences possible.
You want to know what gut wrenching misery feels like? Wait until you feel the loss of someone/something you love. For those that have experienced it, you know this is a feeling that will not simply dissipate with a bottle of rum. It takes years. Years of well practiced abolition of painful memories. Sometimes the only way to move forward is to forget. But how do you bring yourself to forget something you love? Time too can make the burden lighter. However, past loss will simply be replaced with the punishing nature of fresh absence and gut wrenching anxiety. Anxiety that will ooze from the crevasses of your broken heart. You will feel things you never felt possible and you will feel them again and again because love lost is punishing. It is so punishing it can break even the strongest of us. What hope is there for the weak? Where do we turn?
Currently, I cannot help but cast my mind forward. I keep thinking about the torture that awaits me. Will I be able to withstand hit after hit? I don’t know that I want to.
Dec
18
Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening
Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound’s the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
- Robert Frost
I adore this poem. Simply beautiful imagery. There is beauty there with such an element of sadness at the edges.
I just purchased a little charm from Etsy with “Miles to go before I sleep” on it. That line has so much resonance with me. It was such a good find! The Etsy site is my new best friend.
Dec
15
If I don’t deserve this what do I deserve? If this is what I have then this is what I deserve.
Self-worth is bottoming.
I have no control over my happiness.
Thinking of alternatives.
Dec
13
I’d refuse to live with a broken heart.
Sep
12
Over the weekend I was asked to describe some of the good things in my life at the moment. I was completely floored by this question. I even misheard it and thought I was asked what were the bad things in my life. I sat there dumbfounded by this one little question. A simple question yet a question that was so completely hard for me to comprehend.
What are the good things in my life currently?
It is a great question for a person that is so used to seeing the negative in all things and everybody. While my brain ticked away searching for an answer and the question was re-asked of me ensuring that I could not possibly have misheard it, try as I might I could not come up with one single positive point. That startles me! How can I not think of one good thing in my life? Now when I think about it I can name all the token things such as friends, family, health. However, I think there is something indicative of my person hood that I am so hung up on the bad.
My response at the time was something along the lines of “Dunno”. It then progressed to “But… I have been going through this… <insert unhappy goings on here>”. See, I’m so quick to just roll over and let the dark thoughts take hold. I think that says a lot about me as a person and my way of thinking. I am not proud of it, not at all. I am startled by it and disappointed in myself.
Things have been hard for me lately. I have many hang-ups. In the last few months I’ve been tested but I’ve come through okay. I think if anything I should have said something along these lines. I didn’t break down completely. The old me probably would have. So, you know what? This is what’s good in my life. I have learnt I can be strong and that I deserve way more than I think I do. The world won’t end if things in my life don’t work out to plan and if I need to move on I will be able.
May
31
The first post of a new blog is always tragically boring. I apologise in advance. I might make empty promises that I will post a tonne of goodness here for you on a daily basis but that would be lies. I’m more likely to post a sporadic amount of crap. But hey, don’t let that stop you coming by. You never know I might actually surprise you. Yeah, I don’t think so either.
As we have now established, expect to see nothing much of interest, but if you keep coming back maybe you’ll see some glimpses of brilliance… Hidden. Deep. Just like those subliminal messages you only hear by playing a Beatles song backwards.
I’ve made the move over to WordPress as I am getting a little too old to hold on to my livejournal. Actually, my livejournal is that fuzzy warm blanket I can never throw out. It has seen me through some tough times, like that time I had to choose between the black skirt or the blacker skirt. Truth be told, I hate advertising and they put advertisements on my journal (probably for penile enhancement or other such important community services). It looks ugly on a page and I’m all about aesthetics. You might have guessed by the fabness* which is me.
Truth be told I am looking forward to this fresh start and an opportunity to bore you (I say that like I have readers) with the tragedy which is my life.
Special thanks to my resident web programmer who helped me get this thing up and running. Oh who am I kidding he did everything, I just picked the design. I didn’t even have to pay the $80+ an hour fee either. I guess I will pay in other ways.
Thanks for reading and see you around!
Love and puppy dogs,
Natalie x
Disclaimer: This may be a total over-exaggeration evoked by the author in order to falsely portray an image of unadulterated confidence.
