Oct
16
How do you open up a dialogue with someone when the subject is so touchy? I have tried consistently and failed. Probably, because the subject matter is sensitive and I am close to it.
I’ve been trying and trying. I have all these things I need to say but I don’t want to argue. I just want to sit down and have an open honest discourse. I want to feel comfortable enough to say my piece without repercussions. I guess nothing in life is without them!
I don’t want to face a wall of anger or resentment. I just want to present my feelings and be done with it. Too many emotions, just ruin everything. I don’t want to ruin everything. I just want to be honest.
Sep
22
I always thought I’d be able fill my journal and later this blog with the trials and tribulations of planning a wedding. I was hoping to have happy anecdotes to share with my children someday if they dared to show an interest. Funny how things work out. Instead it is just me, wondering aloud if it will ever happen. Embarrassing myself by exposing my fears and the truth of my existence to an audience made up of well, who knows who. I fail at embracing future happiness.
Aug
05
Wish I could bring her back for him. Even just the once! That would be a superpower that I would want.
I would reunite loved ones and allow them one last embrace, a kiss and a whispered word of love.
Jul
28
I have this stupid compulsion to unburden myself via the Internet all the time. I don’t think it is very healthy. Then again maybe it is. It makes me feel better, that I know.
I should probably say this shit to people face to face. Then again at least I have a vehicle for my thoughts other than my own head.
Is it a good thing to write vague emotionally charged posts aimed at unnamed people online or is a direct approach infinitely better?
Jul
26
I’m just so angry and I’m burying it. Sometimes it creeps up on me and I want to scream and be melodramatic. Put me face to face with the source(s) of my anger and I probably would. I can make a scene if necessary. I can be that girl. Trust me I have. Bertha in the attic, that’s me.
I want those clones to disappear from my world. To be forgotten and done with like a bad dream. Everyday that passes I wait and hope for it to happen. And I hope for none in their place.
Sadly, this is not how the story was supposed to go. Does it ever go the way it should? Always plan for the best, expect the worst. Keep your expectations low and you won’t be disappointed that I know.
Jul
22
This post is dedicated to those who seek to ruin the happiness of others for their own gain.
You can try as you might to hide your true intentions in a mist of benevolence but your desperation is so transparent that only an idiot could not see through it.
Friendship is friendship but you blur the lines in your mind so as to create the illusion of there being something more. You use words that should not be said. You share thoughts that you should keep to yourself and most of all you are completely opportunistic.
If somebody offers you their trust don’t betray it for a brief warm and fuzzy that cannot be sustained. Hold your head up high and accept the limitations of your place.
Jul
18
I am trying to piece together my sense of self worth and focus on the future rather than the past.
I dwell though… and dwell and dwell some more. If there were a competition for dwelling I’d win. Even this writing is an example of me dwelling. See, can’t stop.
The CliffsNotes of my dwelling is that love is stronger than sense. Consequently, love remains at war with sense. Things aren’t pretty. There are casualties like trust and confidence. Can they be rebuilt, maybe? However, things can’t ever be the same. There will always be that creeping feeling that betrayal is just around the corner.
Subsisting on fear of betrayal is like sucking down water instead of air. It is going to ruin you eventually, it will choke you, leave you struggling to live, whether the betrayal is realised or not.
Jul
12
I don’t know how to ever be happy again. All I can see is bleakness and ruin. My life as I once knew it feels like it has been stolen from me. How do I get through this pain and humiliation? My soul aches. I’ve tried to compensate by putting on a happy face but I can’t keep it up. I’m not strong. I am a fragile person.
My imagination is reacting in incredible (Maybe credible?) ways. Betrayal is a terrible visitor. My recommendation avoid it at all costs. Hide from it. Keep it away.
Right now I feel so much fear and loneliness. I want to run away (as I am apt to do) but my heart won’t let me. How can I trust again when it was never my strong point in the first place? Which should take precedence self-preservation or faith?
Jul
04
This weekend has reminded me why I am so very lucky to have my family. It may be small but it is awesome!
Just knowing that I have a group of people that are on my side no matter what is such a comfort. People that love and care for me and will help pick me up when I am feeling completely low with supportive words and cups of tea, that is the more than I could ever ask for.
And this weekend I felt low, and I burdened them with my woes and they just listened. It is nice to be heard.
And they always surprise me with their kindness, if they know I am in trouble they will help me and provide me with what I need. They are my safe haven when things get tough. I know that I can always go back to them and they will welcome me, and I won’t say that they won’t judge me but they will allow me my choices and forgive my errors in judgement.
To know that there are people out there that aren’t as lucky as I am is a sadness for me. If only everybody could feel the love of a really great family.
Jun
30
I feel people are a subject I am great at reading. Everybody has their strengths and I think that is mine.
I am seldom surprised and mostly anticipatory of actions and their true purposes whether known to the individual or otherwise. Call me paranoid or whatever but I just know! =P
Maybe most actions or activities are unoriginal and therefore my knowing is nothing special, however it is knowing all the same. I am definitely not saying that this is a great thing. It is a terrible thing. To be taking in one thing, a piece of information from a conversation or a way of looking/acting and seeing it for what it really is in all its ugliness and true intent, that is a kind of transparency that can mess you up.
As you can see, quite obviously that I am the master of my own undoing and have continued to be so now for many a day. How do I just switch off? Do I need to? Should I just learn to ignore and accept? I feel this overwhelming need to protect myself first and foremost as if I realise just how fragile I can be. That can’t be a bad thing or can it? However, maybe, just maybe self-protection comes at a cost. The cost of which I will learn in time.
