I need a weekend away. I’d like to escape from the everyday reality of my existence. The pressure, the stress and the heartache.
I’d like to go somewhere cosy and warm, somewhere with a fireplace and hot chocolate. A place where the stores all sell trinkets and home made jams. And the streets are not busy, they are open and inviting.
I need a good surprise, no more bad ones. No more sadness, only smiles.
I don’t know how to ever be happy again. All I can see is bleakness and ruin. My life as I once knew it feels like it has been stolen from me. How do I get through this pain and humiliation? My soul aches. I’ve tried to compensate by putting on a happy face but I can’t keep it up. I’m not strong. I am a fragile person.
My imagination is reacting in incredible (Maybe credible?) ways. Betrayal is a terrible visitor. My recommendation avoid it at all costs. Hide from it. Keep it away.
Right now I feel so much fear and loneliness. I want to run away (as I am apt to do) but my heart won’t let me. How can I trust again when it was never my strong point in the first place? Which should take precedence self-preservation or faith?
This weekend has reminded me why I am so very lucky to have my family. It may be small but it is awesome!
Just knowing that I have a group of people that are on my side no matter what is such a comfort. People that love and care for me and will help pick me up when I am feeling completely low with supportive words and cups of tea, that is the more than I could ever ask for.
And this weekend I felt low, and I burdened them with my woes and they just listened. It is nice to be heard.
And they always surprise me with their kindness, if they know I am in trouble they will help me and provide me with what I need. They are my safe haven when things get tough. I know that I can always go back to them and they will welcome me, and I won’t say that they won’t judge me but they will allow me my choices and forgive my errors in judgement.
To know that there are people out there that aren’t as lucky as I am is a sadness for me. If only everybody could feel the love of a really great family.
I feel people are a subject I am great at reading. Everybody has their strengths and I think that is mine.
I am seldom surprised and mostly anticipatory of actions and their true purposes whether known to the individual or otherwise. Call me paranoid or whatever but I just know! =P
Maybe most actions or activities are unoriginal and therefore my knowing is nothing special, however it is knowing all the same. I am definitely not saying that this is a great thing. It is a terrible thing. To be taking in one thing, a piece of information from a conversation or a way of looking/acting and seeing it for what it really is in all its ugliness and true intent, that is a kind of transparency that can mess you up.
As you can see, quite obviously that I am the master of my own undoing and have continued to be so now for many a day. How do I just switch off? Do I need to? Should I just learn to ignore and accept? I feel this overwhelming need to protect myself first and foremost as if I realise just how fragile I can be. That can’t be a bad thing or can it? However, maybe, just maybe self-protection comes at a cost. The cost of which I will learn in time.
I am relating to this song. Is that wrong?
Sometimes I wonder how people can seemingly dwell only on the pretty, beautiful, lovely things in life. Maybe I come from a place where I see everything as broken and held together only by tiny threads of silk just waiting to snap? Maybe I am just completely paranoid and lacking on any faith to draw from? Maybe I am all of the above and that makes me totally unsuitable for existence alongside you and everyone else? More than likely, that would be it.
I can’t trust people, I don’t trust them nor do I wish to. I can love, I can like but I can’t trust. Just seeing the horrible things people do to each other at whim, well that is enough of an indication that I could be next.
Is it a healthy thing to just wait to be screwed over? No of course it isn’t. I’ll be the first to admit it. However, in a world where everyone seems to walk around in a daze consumed by the hyperreal, I think I am sensible not to be blind-sided when my personal reality is finally shaken.
To go from feeling like the most loved person in the world to being completely insignificant is excruciating. The fall is just that much harder.
You can’t miss something you’ve never had. However, if you happen to have had it and lost it, well the memory of it will eat you alive.
I am understanding increasingly the concept that there will always be a separation between what I want and what I have that cannot be breached. I don’t mean this strictly in the material sense either. I actually, mean it more in terms of Marx’s alienation theory – My gattungswesen (aka our species-being or the very essence that sustains human kind) is suffering and there is nothing I can do about it (except run away to a commune and make boats with wood that I have harvested with my own hands – Don’t ask!).
Sadly, I don’t know if this is something I can ever resolve. I just cannot be content. I can settle, accept and live but I cannot be satisfied. I am just so grrrr at the moment to put it simply.
Please, I am failing. Tell me, what I am doing wrong? I must grab life by the balls and run head first kicking and screaming, avoiding all convention and fear of failure and everything I know to be normal and well adjusted and just “do it”? Or do I meekly sit and hope, and pray (if it were something I were so partial to do) and wait for satisfaction to find me? Surely not.
The most tragic thing is that when I was studying I was perhaps at my most miserable but at the same time I was the most alive. Alive with ideas, processes, discoveries and hope! Now, I’m just a wrecked shell lying in wait.
geekynat.com was first created in May 2010 in order to help fill a gap in the whingey, whiney weblog market. There clearly needed to be one more blog which strove to fulfil this quota and geekynat was it.
Authored by yet another self-professed geek - as is chic these days (Just ask the mass media, who have appropriated geekdom for their wicked, wicked ways.), geekynat.com is managed with TLC by someone with too much time on her hands and pasty, pasty skin.
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