Dear James,

Thank you for the contribution you have made to my life. I feel blessed for having known you.

When I think of you, I think of someone so creative and with such so much flair. I remember watching Suit Up and being so proud that this little production evolved from the mind of someone I knew. Your skill behind the camera and love of visual mediums is clear.

My earliest memories of our time together, spent mostly in the virtual realm, would be your arrival on OzFreaks. You were a little late to the game. Whilst we were all discussing the ins and outs of Freaks and Geeks you had still not seen all the episodes. You were an Undeclared fan boy and very passionate. JCriquet, as you were known was an articulate and witty individual and soon became a forum regular. I think Adam “Splash”, even labelled you our mascot/cheerleader as you had so much spirit.

Your contributions to our conversations were always welcome. You kept me company many a night when we were both going through our “post-high school where-to-now slump”. I think if there was someone I could guarantee would still be up at 4am it would be you. It was always nice to see your name on the list of online users when I couldn’t sleep and needed a distraction.

One thing that set you apart from the rest of us was that you were always so social. I think whilst some of us resisted for a long time you encouraged meet-ups and helped forge friendships in the “real world”. Your travels around Australia saw you link in with so many of us and you always managed to pack your OzFreaks sweatshirt. An indication of your commitment and love to our cause. I believe that is the only piece of OzFreaks merchandise in existence to this very day.

I was pleasantly surprised when you accepted an invitation to my wedding. It meant a lot to have you there; having travelled from Adelaide for the occasion and you caught my garter also, poor you! I do wonder what became of it. Thanks for being there for me on that important day. You looked so stylish and had the best dance moves on the floor.

You have by now seen how much the news of your illness has affected people. I see that so many of your beloved family and friends have rallied around you and I know that you are so, so loved. I can only hope to have the same level of love and support there for me if and when I need it.

I think of you fondly, always and I wish you much love and strength. Thanks for being a part of my life. My one, only and most loved Adelaidian friend.

Much Love,

Natalie “geekynat” Morgan (van der Loo)

We had an elderly gentleman who thinks comic sans is an appropriate font for a funeral program originally volunteer to design it. I saw samples of his work containing clip art graphics and poorly resized images and I had to step in. Yes, I have standards.

Unfortunately, I am neither a designer or a printer and time is not on my side. What I have produced though seems appropriate enough. I tried for something classic and simple. That’s all you need, some clean lines and a nice font. Very underrated.

I do feel anxiety over this whole event. How do you ever do justice to someone’s life in a booklet containing just a few pages? It is all very hard to handle right now.

So maybe it is my wedding, but I don’t care. I just need help, support and some semblance of relief. I want everything to be perfect and as all these little problems appear that dream just slips away.

And how the fuck are you meant to work full time, have a full weekend of appointments/events, maintain a household and get shit done? I really don’t know the answer to this as the state of my apartment will attest. If I were rich I’d just pay someone to do it all in a heartbeat but clearly I am not.

Contributing to my stress are all these decisions I’ve had to make lately. I make a tough call and then I live to regret it. I hate feeling so guilty all the time and the remorse I could live without. How do I live guilt free? I just can’t. I don’t eat meat for Christ’s sake. How the hell can I live a life not laden with guilt if I can’t even convince myself that killing animals for food is okay?

I have moved off topic a tad. Though it is in a manner all connected. Connected to my inherent inability to do the wrong thing. Yes, right and wrong are subjective I know. Even that excuse is not enough to soothe me! Alas, let me depart and sit with my pain. Sit with my pain as I am alone without distraction and a one track mind.

I see this as impossible to attain in regards to my body shape and genetics (even when I was young and thin I was always more athletic looking than tiny) but completely desirable.

Suggestions of ways to achieve this are welcomed. Maybe I need to be more aggressive with my workouts and eat less. Maybe I just need to imagine away my child baring hips and pray to the goddess of waify, willowy goodness.

I feel so fragile, maybe I just need the body to match.

I’ve been trying and trying. I have all these things I need to say but I don’t want to argue. I just want to sit down and have an open honest discourse. I want to feel comfortable enough to say my piece without repercussions. I guess nothing in life is without them!

I don’t want to face a wall of anger or resentment. I just want to present my feelings and be done with it. Too many emotions, just ruin everything. I don’t want to ruin everything. I just want to be honest.

That’s all I have ever wanted. Every time something feels wrong or bad and I just want to hide and make the miserableness go away I wish for these words.

Still, I am rarely reassured that “Everything will be all right”.

Crazy Soup

Crazy, in that I just threw whatever suitable ingredients we had into a saucepan and watched it simmer. That I actually stayed to watch it is an achievement in itself. Though there may have been a short shower break in there somewhere.

To the left you will see exhibit one: Le Crazy Soup. Contents include pasta, vegetable stock, salt, pepper, onion, carrot, spinach, mushrooms, basil and lentils. It actually doesn’t sound all that bad when I read over it but it looks hectic.

It tastes okay, but is a tad acidic. I think it is from the lentil mix which had some barley in it. Apparently, you can add milk to soups which have an acidic taste to help neuturalise it but as I don’t have milk, I think soy milk would only make it worse.

This is pretty much indicative of how I cook. I have little interest in it and a low attention span in general so I just tend to throw whatever I want together. Then I heat the concoction and walk away usually to the computer and leave it to burn. Many saucepans have suffered as a result.