Feb
01
I was made responsible for the task of designing the Order of Service booklet for my Pop’s service. I accepted as I didn’t want to see a tacky production distributed to my family and and their friends. Less really is more!
We had an elderly gentleman who thinks comic sans is an appropriate font for a funeral program originally volunteer to design it. I saw samples of his work containing clip art graphics and poorly resized images and I had to step in. Yes, I have standards.
Unfortunately, I am neither a designer or a printer and time is not on my side. What I have produced though seems appropriate enough. I tried for something classic and simple. That’s all you need, some clean lines and a nice font. Very underrated.
I do feel anxiety over this whole event. How do you ever do justice to someone’s life in a booklet containing just a few pages? It is all very hard to handle right now.
Jan
19
I feel stressed and with stress I’m becoming irritable. There are a vast amount of things still left to do and that makes me feel so overwhelmed. There’s just too much for one person! I don’t know how to ask for help. I would love if help just appeared though. I just want to delegate some things and then forget about them and have them be someone else’s problem.
So maybe it is my wedding, but I don’t care. I just need help, support and some semblance of relief. I want everything to be perfect and as all these little problems appear that dream just slips away.
And how the fuck are you meant to work full time, have a full weekend of appointments/events, maintain a household and get shit done? I really don’t know the answer to this as the state of my apartment will attest. If I were rich I’d just pay someone to do it all in a heartbeat but clearly I am not.
Contributing to my stress are all these decisions I’ve had to make lately. I make a tough call and then I live to regret it. I hate feeling so guilty all the time and the remorse I could live without. How do I live guilt free? I just can’t. I don’t eat meat for Christ’s sake. How the hell can I live a life not laden with guilt if I can’t even convince myself that killing animals for food is okay?
I have moved off topic a tad. Though it is in a manner all connected. Connected to my inherent inability to do the wrong thing. Yes, right and wrong are subjective I know. Even that excuse is not enough to soothe me! Alas, let me depart and sit with my pain. Sit with my pain as I am alone without distraction and a one track mind.
Oct
22
I have a desire to be waif thin. The result of one too many women’s magazines? Possibly.
I see this as impossible to attain in regards to my body shape and genetics (even when I was young and thin I was always more athletic looking than tiny) but completely desirable.
Suggestions of ways to achieve this are welcomed. Maybe I need to be more aggressive with my workouts and eat less. Maybe I just need to imagine away my child baring hips and pray to the goddess of waify, willowy goodness.
I feel so fragile, maybe I just need the body to match.
Oct
16
How do you open up a dialogue with someone when the subject is so touchy? I have tried consistently and failed. Probably, because the subject matter is sensitive and I am close to it.
I’ve been trying and trying. I have all these things I need to say but I don’t want to argue. I just want to sit down and have an open honest discourse. I want to feel comfortable enough to say my piece without repercussions. I guess nothing in life is without them!
I don’t want to face a wall of anger or resentment. I just want to present my feelings and be done with it. Too many emotions, just ruin everything. I don’t want to ruin everything. I just want to be honest.
Oct
07
I just want someone to take me in their arms and say those words to me. Even better would be if they could just get me to believe them.
That’s all I have ever wanted. Every time something feels wrong or bad and I just want to hide and make the miserableness go away I wish for these words.
Still, I am rarely reassured that “Everything will be all right”.
Sep
22
I always thought I’d be able fill my journal and later this blog with the trials and tribulations of planning a wedding. I was hoping to have happy anecdotes to share with my children someday if they dared to show an interest. Funny how things work out. Instead it is just me, wondering aloud if it will ever happen. Embarrassing myself by exposing my fears and the truth of my existence to an audience made up of well, who knows who. I fail at embracing future happiness.
Jun
16
We had lentils sitting on the stove so I attempted to make something from them. I call it Le Crazy Soup!
Crazy Soup
Crazy, in that I just threw whatever suitable ingredients we had into a saucepan and watched it simmer. That I actually stayed to watch it is an achievement in itself. Though there may have been a short shower break in there somewhere.
To the left you will see exhibit one: Le Crazy Soup. Contents include pasta, vegetable stock, salt, pepper, onion, carrot, spinach, mushrooms, basil and lentils. It actually doesn’t sound all that bad when I read over it but it looks hectic.
It tastes okay, but is a tad acidic. I think it is from the lentil mix which had some barley in it. Apparently, you can add milk to soups which have an acidic taste to help neuturalise it but as I don’t have milk, I think soy milk would only make it worse.
This is pretty much indicative of how I cook. I have little interest in it and a low attention span in general so I just tend to throw whatever I want together. Then I heat the concoction and walk away usually to the computer and leave it to burn. Many saucepans have suffered as a result.
